Top 10 Signs You're Dating a Hockey
Player.....
10. Eating the last Fig Newton gets you
bodychecked into the fridge.
9. He's very sensitive on the topic of
"stick curvature".
8. After going out, he makes you line up
and shake hands with all his ex-girlfriends.
7. Bad enough he consummates lovemaking
by shouting, "He scores!"---was it really necessary to install the red
light above the bed?
6. During arguments he sends you to the
penalty box for "2 minutes for pissing me off."
5. He refuses to valet park the Zamboni.
4. For breakfast, he hands each kid a
spoon and tosses an Eggo in the middle of the table.
3. Demanded credit for an assist when you
slept with his best friend.
2. Favorite restaurant: Dinner in a
Blender.
1. Talks funny and likes to beat up
people, but doesn't come from Alabama.
The Top
10 good things about being A Hockey Goaltender
10. Halloween costume? No problem!
9. Detroit Red Wing goalies look like
Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.
8. Can check out the babes (or guys)
rinkside without them even knowing.
7. Slash all you want; they send someone
else to the box.
6. Padding gives the impression you're
really buffed.
5. Helmet allows you to double as Darth
Vader in any upcoming "Star Wars".
4. Can get inventive nickname like
"Eddy".
3. Flexibility can be useful in other
entertainment ventures, if you know what I mean.
2. Bruises can really bring out the color
in your eyes.
1. Two Words: Bigger Stick.
Top 10 pet peeves of
Hockey Goaltenders
10. Drunk fans who toss Hostess Ding
Dongs towards the net.
9. Players at parties who want to turn
mask upside-down and fill it up with bean dip.
8. Pads give appearance that they have
really big butts.
7. T-shirts that say, "Goaltenders do it
with their glove hand".
6. Every day, for the rest of their life,
they will not have a good reason for dropping anything ever again.
5. Frostbite caused by leg split.
4. When trainer replaces normal water in
bottle with sparkling Folger's Crystals.
3. Goal judges at away games who
constantly make wisecracks about "burning out the goal lamp".
2. Fans who ask, "Can I have your
autograph, Mr. Roy???" (Said like it's spelled)
1. When jealous back-up goalie follows
them around in locker room screaming, "Hey, glove THIS, pal!!!".
Top 10 reasons you
just let that one in
10. My defense and I got involved in the
"Tastes great, less filling" Debate
9. Tried to read the "Vulcanized" label
on the side
8. Slipped on this damn ice; someone
should get some salt on that!
7. Was still laughing at that last top
ten list.
6. Misunderstood "Butterfly save"; now
sad to report one less monarch flying around.
5. Sun got in my eyes.
4. Misunderstood use of trapper; let in a
goal, but got a lovely fur coat.
3. Being a top-rated NHL goalie, being
traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and
having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only)
2. Wait, I'm the back-up!! Go talk to
El-Sieve-o over there!!!.
1. Yeah, like YOU would get in front of
that!.
Top 10 Cool Uses for Zamboni's
10. Tie rookies up and drag them around
the rink.
9. Chasing squirrels around the arena
parking lot after practice.
8. Get a couple of them and DRAG.
7. Doin' donuts at the face-off circles.
6. "Just wait until the next time Coach
makes me mad!..."
5. "Aw Coach, I was just doing my Jeff
Gordon impression!..."
4. Scaring the heck out of ice-level
broadcasters and analysists.
3. "I just need to smooth off my lake at
home."
2. Provides a moving target for slap shot
practice.
1. CAN YOU SAY "ZAMBONI GIRL?!!"
Top 10 Hockey Player
Pick-Up Lines
10. My Zamboni or yours? Keith Tkachuk,
Phoenix Coyotes
9. Baby, I can make you do the wave? Tony
Amonte, Chicago Blackhawks
8 You're my only chance to score more
than Gretzky. Chris Chelios, Chicago Blackhawks
7. I'm Stanley. Would you like to see my
cup? Mike Richter, New York Rangers
6. Ever kiss a guy with no teeth? Mike
Modano, Dallas Stars
5. I said, 'Would you like a puck? John
Vanbiesbrouck, Florida Panthers
4. My wife calls me Gordie Wowe! Pat
LaFontaine, New York Rangers
3. Hey, you want to be my intern? Jeremy
Roenick, Phoenix Coyotes
2. In your case, NHL stands for Non-stop
Happenin' Lady. Billy Guerin, New Jersey Devils
1. I've got a curved stick." Brett Hull,
St. Louis Blues
Top 10 Marty
McSorley Excuses For The Slash
10. "I wanted to show Tonya Harding how
it's done."
9. "I've been seeing too much of McGwire,
Sosa, and Griffey in the media."
8. "I wanted to see just how hard that
boy's head really is."
7. "Spending those months playing with
Jo-Jo Murphy really screwed me up."
6. "Hey, just playing a little 'old time
hockey.' "
5. "I got a kickback from CCM for showing
how tough their helmets are."
4. "I shouldn't have taken those pills
Kevin Stevens gave me."
3. "They should never put a stick in the
hands of an Irishman."
2. "I thought the league didn't care if I
whacked people as long as I didn't call anyone a politically-incorrect
name."
1. "Uhhhhh . . . I'm an idiot."
Top
10 Things Anna Kournikova Likes About Sergei Fedorov
10. He lets her play with his Barbie doll
collection.
9. He lets her win at tennis.
8. She's never been poked by a man twice
her age before.
7. She's always wanted to put a man in
prison.
6. That great tan.
5. She hopes to marry him so Brendan
Shanahan will like her.
4. Actually, there are 16 million things
she likes about him.
3. He looks so cute when he's wearing her
underwear.
2. He can buy beer for her and her
friends.
1. Women don't feel threatened by
homosexual men.
Top 10 Reasons
Belfour bailed on Practice.
10. He wanted to remind Keenan that is is
still the same "Crazy Eddie"
9. Didn't want to get pucked all morning.
8. He is too good to need practice.
7. He wanted to watch the NFL playoffs
instead.
6. Too much Nightqil the night before.
5. Needed the extra flight miles for a
free trip.
4. He thought Hitchcock would bribe him
to practice with a Billion Dollars so he could pay the Dallas Police.
3. Wanted to see what the creative Sharks
fans would do for signs.
2. Upset that there isn't any Tea left in
town after the party.
1. Hitchcock was stinking up the place
since they were in "Bean Town".
Top 10
Reasons Ed Belfour Was Arrested For Assault
10. Figured he'd get more to eat in jail
than following Ken Hitchcock through the training room buffet.
9. It was his response to "Hey Eagle,
here's a bird for you."
8. Practicing for life after hockey (the
WWF can always use another loony).
7. McSorley only blacked one of the NHL's
eyes, Belfour decided to take a shot at the other.
6. Mace has a way of getting Eddie in the
proper frame of mind for a playoff push.
5. Making a bid for the MVP (Most
Valuable Prick) award.
4. Being a drunken, stupid, ass in public
usually has that result.
3. Those chants of Edddieee, Edddieee
have driven him over the edge.
2. Trying to prove that last season's
calm excellence really was a fluke.
1. It's a goalie thing. They're all nuts.
Top 10 Things Brian Sutter Will Say To Darryl At Christmas.
10. "I've been kicking your ass for forty
years, don't make me do it again."
9. "We may really suck, but at least
we're better than Chicago."
8. "Hey, there's a new guy in Calgary who
has a really good deal on teeth."
7. "You might have the last of our
brothers, but I'll get the first of our sons."
6. "Give me Owen Nolan, Vinnie Damphousse,
and Patrick Marleau, and I'd be in first place too."
5. "You think you're bad? We can go out
behind the barn and settle this right now!"
4. "I've got steers on the farm that can
skate better than most of my defensemen."
3. "We may suck, but we work really hard."
2. "Touch that last piece of ham and I'll
carve your liver out."
1. "Well, sure, you've got millions of
dollars and Dean Lombardi; I've got no money and Al Coates."
What's a fan
to do now? 10 cures for hockey fever
1. Find out whether any of your children
are graduating from high school or college. Plan to attend the ceremony.
2. Attend Tigers game before they are
mathematically eliminated from contention (hurry).
3. Stop making good-luck breakfasts of
Hot Wings and beer.
4. Use unspent playoff ticket money to
buy everything Karen Newman hawks on TV, including a house from Capital
Mortgage.
5. Find out whether any of your children
are getting married. Plan to attend the ceremony.
6. Donate Red Wings car flag to highway
construction flag-person for summer traffic work.
7. Read a book. "And Howe" doesn't count.
8. Discuss "Phantom Menace" without
mentioning Patrick Roy.
9. Test beer hat for Y2K compliance.
10. Write letter to Ilitches protesting
missing question mark in lame slogan "Are You Ready." Blame Wings loss
on bad punctuation.
Top 10 Things
Overheard at a Lightning Game
10. "How can they score if that guy keeps
blocking the net?"
9. "How long til halftime?"
8. "I can't see the puck. I wish it
glowed like the one on TV."
7. "Hey Roy(said like it's spelled)! You
suck!"
6. "Why does that guy in front of the net
keep falling down?"
5. "Those fans from the other team keep
making fun of me!"
4. "Bobby Orr? Who is Bobby Orr?"
3. "Yay! Teemu Sundin has the puck!"
2. "That Mike Keenan seems like a nice
guy."
1. "When is Stanley gonna give us the cup?"
Top 10 Pet Peeves of Guy
Hebert
10. People who come up to him and start
speaking French, thinking he's French- Canadian
9. Guys who call him "Gay" Hebert
8. People who ask him if he knows Donald
or Daisy
7. People who think he is Donald or Daisy
6. People who wear T-shirts that say
"Goaltenders Do It With Their Glove Hand"...when he uses his stick hand
5. People who ask him if he can get Paul
Kariya's autograph
4. People who ask him if he can get
Donald or Daisy's autograph.
3. People who ask him if he knows Mickey
Mouse
2. When Shtalenkov says, "Hey, you know
what astronauts can do in their suits?"
1. Shtalenkov fans who yell at him, "French-Canadians
suck!"
Top 10 Reasons why the Sharks play badly at home...
10. Too much 'quality' time with families/friends
and warm weather severely reducing player aggression.
9. Coaching staff and players getting too
much ice time.
8. Mike Rathje's mom only allows him to
check at away games.
7. Just don't like those home jerseys.
6. Team is part of a scientific
experiment to determine breaking point of local hockey fans.
5. Just plain too many other things to
think about...tending to the yard work, shopping, washing the dog.
4. The crowd is too damn noisy, not
permitting bench naps.
3. Equipment problems caused by worn out
skate grinding wheel and out-of-date hockey tape.
2. Stiff beer prices causing most players
to skate sober.
1. Getting to the playoffs would mess up the Spring Tee Times.
You
might be a Puckbunny
Its not a top ten list but its still very
groovy. Very Important for the true female hockey fan to prove shes not
a puck bunny.
Bimbo Exam for Future Anthem
Singers/Hockey Show Hostesses.
1. Spell "puck."
2. What color is the "blue line."
3. The goalie guards/defends what?
4. What color jerseys do the Red Wings
wear?
5. True or False. The Stanley Cup is an
athletic supporter used by hockey players.
6. True or False. Uwe Krupp is not an
illness that your little brother came down with last winter.
7. Pronounce "Yzerman."
8. True or False. The "C" on a player's
jersey means "Come and Jump Me After the Game, baby."
9. True or False. The "A" on a player's
jersey means "Available for Meaningless One Night Stands at Your
Convenience."
10. True or False. That blond teenager
who pals around with Sergei Federov is really his niece!
The Top 16 Hockey
Player Pick-Up Lines
16. "What do you say we drop the gloves
and go at it?"
15. "Look, my teeth spell out 'I love you'
in block letters!"
14. "My other stick curves to the right!"
13. "So this guy says he hates hockey
players because they have no tact and are easily distracted, so I...
Hey! Babe! Wanna do the nasty?
12. "Bagy, yrrr so beurdiffle dat I feel
I can be nacheral wif yoo!"
11. "You heard right: I only take off
this mask for two things!"
10. "I said, 'Would you like a PUCK?'"
9. "You know, less teeth means more
tongue!"
8. "I may be toothless, sweaty, and all
black and blue, but I make a mean quiche Loraine!"
7. "I only drool when I'm standing
upright!"
6. "Hi, I'm Zam. Would you like a Zamboni
ride?"
5. "Well if I can't score, can I get an
assist?"
4. "Tho...What'th your thighn?"
3. "C'mon baby, the iceman cometh.... but
never too soon!"
2. "Me take you eat!"
1. "We're gonna go beat up Scott
Hamilton. Wanna come?"
Top 11
Signs You're Suffering From Hockey Withdrawal
11. You can't even put ice in your drink
without daydreaming
10. You know that sometime, someday this
season, George Steinbrenner will call up Eric Lindros to pitch for the
Blue Jays
9. You were hysterical, you ran around
the house screaming for joy when you first heard of the movie "Face Off"
and then you found out it had absolutely nothing to do with hockey, and
you locked yourself in your room for three days and cried.
8. You pack your bags and run away to
Canada
7. You went all the way to Vegas to place
your bet on the Stanley Cup Finals...but wait!! you've been informed
they ended a month ago
6. Everytime you hear the name "Stanley"
you fall to your knees and beg for mercy
5. Whenever someone starts a sentence
with "How many...", before they can finish, you loudly exclaim "102 days
and 52 until training camp".
4. You put on your jersey, get your beer
and chips, park your behind in front of the tv, switch on direct tv and
mumble continuosly, "It WILL come on...It WILL come on...It WILL come
on..."
3. Watch SportsCenter and complain, "they
NEVER have any NHL coverage on this show!!! i'm writing to the editor!"
2. After getting bored with predicting
who will be the '98 Stanley Cup Champions, you predict what the schedule
will be like And the number one reason you know you've lost it...
1. You stand on top of the Empire State
building, and insist that Mark Messier come and save you or you'll jump.
